Bro, What?

The big news today was that President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.

Of equal significance was that conservatives found something to complain about that was almost as petty as the Olympics.

Finally, it should be noted that the President has scheduled a press conference at which he will apologize profusely to the American people for this massive inconvenience. His speech will reportedly include the following statement: “I am very sorry to all of the conservative bloggers who had to think of clever ways to remind their readers how much they hate me and everything good that ever happens to me.”

-J.L.

1) If you go off on a nonsensical tirade on national television that culminates in the burning/drowning/boiling death of an amphibious creature, don’t expect to keep your job. Unless you work for Fox News.

2) If you want to sue Bank of America, don’t demand “1,784 billion trillion dollars.” No, really.

3) If you hear Iran has a nuclear facility, don’t pretend to be surprised.

4) If you don’t like the “over-exposure” of the President in the media, you probably shouldn’t bother electing one.

5) If you are a Fox News commentator, don’t say anything calmly, or your ratings will drop.

6) If you want to secede from the U.S., don’t sit there and talk about it. Do us all a favor and go ahead.

7) If you’re Kirk Cameron, don’t speak.

-J.L.

I think it’s safe to say Texas Republicans are winning the “Aw, aren’t they just precious with their crazy little ideas?” race, with their ever-present need to cry secession.

Fortunately, for comedy’s sake, South Carolina isn’t too far behind. Joe “You Lie!” Wilson, do you really need to bring more negative attention to a state that’s already governed by Mark Sanford?

-J.L.

According to new reports, gypsy minorities have been the targets of increased violence recently. Originating in Hungary and spreading to surrounding countries of Eastern Europe, many gypsies blame right-wing groups for the acts of violence occurring.

As one spokesman for Jobbik, the most prevalent Hungarian right-wing party stated, “These killings were done so professionally, that it could not be the guy next-door. The members of the Hungarian Guard are the guys from next-door.”

Uhh. Am I the only one who sees a problem with the Hungarian mentality?

…yeah…best of luck fixing THAT one!

-Sera

President Obama pledged today to speed up the recovery process for New Orleans and those affected by Hurricane Katrina. He vowed to avoid “turf wars” and has freed up hundreds of millions of undistributed dollars to be used.

Well….I guess four years later would, in fact, be an appropriate time to get the advancement process started.

-J.L.

I think the only appropriate response here is “Bro, what?”

http://www.cnn.com/2009/TECH/science/08/28/hurricanes.gates.gray/index.html

-J.L.

U.S. Rep. Lynn Jenkins recently stated at a Kansas gathering that the GOP needed a “great white hope” to defeat President Obama’s agenda. Rep. Jenkins apologized today to anyone was offended but saw no negative connotation in her words.

I, too, see nothing negative about a phrase that stems from the 1900s, regarding a search for a white boxer who could defeat the African-American Jack Johnson. No subtle racial undertone, right?

So as far as the “great white hope” goes, maybe Rep. Jenkins is the best person to fill that role. After all, her off-color (or just unintelligent), anti-reform remarks fill my heart with hope and inspiration.

-J.L.